You would never have known from looking in on my life, or staring at this picture, but I was miserable.
This picture was taken several years ago, while I was in the dark depths of depression.
I was 2 years into my business, which was failing, and I was extremely lonely for quality relationships in my life. I couldn’t seem to find a silver lining anywhere, and I had plenty of clouds to find it on! I was slowly isolating myself because nothing and no one seemed to be “the fix” that I craved, and it was draining me further to put on a front of happiness and “I’ve got everything together” that I had been pretending with.
The fewer people I was around, the less I had to pretend, and the more I could sink into the sadness, exhaustion, and apathy. Not a great choice, but certainly the easier one.
Days blurred together, and I just wanted to get through each one so I could go to sleep. All I wanted was to sleep and then wake up and have my life be wonderful. All I wanted was to be excited about my life and feel like there was more to it than just waking up and daydreaming of sleep. But nothing changed, and the days turned to weeks …. to months ….. to years.
I’ve lived with depression since my late teens, and it definitely got way worse before it got better. I had literally hit the very rock bottom of despising my life and just wishing I could wake up a completely different person. I wasn’t able to find anything to be grateful for (even though I knew I had plenty, I somehow couldn’t admit that), which made me feel guilty … which made me feel even worse. It was a vicious cycle. One I wasn’t getting out of on my own.
Mind you, this entire time I believed in God. I knew He was with me (even though I didn’t always feel it), and I knew He had a bigger plan for me (even though I didn’t know what it was). I prayed, and I waited, and I slept. Repeat. Day in and day out…and still, nothing. Emptiness. Sadness. Depression. Self-pity. Guilt.
It honestly wasn’t until about 5 months ago that my life took a radical turn for the better. And I mean RADICAL! Long story short, I had just been dumped, and I had a dear friend basically tell me “It’s not okay with me that you keep living in this misery. It’s been long enough. It’s time to change.” Little did I know that the decision I made during our conversation would literally (and significantly!) change my life forever! My decision to join Ascension Leadership Academy (ALA) was exactly the boost I needed.
It was not only in that moment of actually caring enough for myself to DO something about it (that previously hadn’t been the case), but it’s been the entire journey, and one that continues, towards visualizing and living out my dream life! This is the first time in my life that I am completely excited about my life, confident enough to take it on, and determined enough to keep going, even when life throws me a curve ball.
I have *the most* incredible community of people around me, cheering me on, lifting me up, and calling me on my BS when I try to shrink back into my old habits/negative attitude. I’m not at all trying to pretend that I don’t still struggle. I still battle with my negativity. I still have fear crop up. I still have to bust through a lack of self-confidence that creeps in. However, what’s different this time around is that I KEEP GOING now! Those things no longer stop me.
Through God’s grace, ALA has been a catalyst for so many positive things in my life, including (but not limited to): self-confidence, my ability to dream again (and the knowledge that I CAN!), joy (no longer living with depression), enhanced creativity, business savvy + goals, guts to go after what I want, grit to keep going, and the awareness of my strengths.If ANY single part of this post resonates with you, I cannot urge you enough to visit www.alasandiego.com and reach out to me with any questions! As you’re reading this, life is passing by, and if you’re sick of any part of it, or craving something different and not sure where to start, let this be the nudge to GET REAL with yourself and make a change. We all know that insanity comes from doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Speaking from experience, let me tell you that in order to break that cycle, sometimes you have to simply do things WAY differently, and take drastic actions. You deserve to live a life you’re completely in love with! You are worth it