I was minding my own business today when I was suddenly confronted with the urge to cry.

And I’m not talking like a sweet, gentle tear floating down my cheek????

I’m talking a waterfall erupting from my tear ducts, inconveniently, right in the middle of my day????

I’m talking heaving sobs, and puffy eyes, and hardly breathing ????????????

Like the kind of emotion that feels like a tidal wave crashing down on the shore, bringing ALL the feels with it – Lord, help me!

The kind of crying that had me cussing in between gasping for breath, and telling God to “take this desire away! I don’t even %*!@^ want it!!”

Have you ever been there?

You’ve been believing for something, and hoping for something, and taking actions that align with that thing … and you’re still waiting for it?

Me, too.

And, for whatever reason, today it hit HARD!

????Old me, who was obsessed with protecting my façade, would have halted the tears, swallowed the well of emotions that was trying to come out, and she would have gone about her day as if nothing had happened.
????Old me, who was very careful to not let on that she had any emotions besides an empty smile, would have stuffed it down and avoided it because it was uncomfortable (and did I mention inconvenient?)
????Old me, who felt like she was putting God out by turning to Him, carried all of these kinds of emotions for years – all “neatly tucked away” in bottles ???? (cue anxious music playing in the background as we await the impending crash of the bottles falling down…)
????Old me had an idea that this wasn’t the best approach, but old me didn’t know what else to do. She’d learned to be (ineffectively) self-sufficient, and she’d been burned by others before.

????Old me, thankfully, is gone????

New me came out to play today (she’s been with me for a while now), and the first thing she did when the waterfall started was Get. Out. Of. The. Way.

She let me cry it out.

She let me talk with God.

She let me say some curse words (that I think maybe (scientifically??) helped me process emotions faster?? ????????????).

She even let me say, with ever such a fierce attitude “God, take this !@&#^% desire away! I don’t want it anymore!”

She, of course, was lying (and being ever so dramatic), but I really appreciated that she didn’t stifle me or pretend the emotion wasn’t real.

Sadness is real.

Disappointment is real.

Hurt is real.

But the longer we bottle them up, all “neatly tucked away” ???? the more weighty they become in our life, and the more “in the way” they are of healthy, positive emotions.

Think of it like a beautiful shelf, just waiting for stunning art pieces, and each time someone offers you something lovely to put there, you refuse it because:

❌ “It can’t go there, that’s where my trash goes.” or
❌ “Oh, it won’t fit there. That’s where I keep my crap.” or
❌ “Nope. Not there either. That’s where my pain belongs.”

Ummm…STOP IT! Get rid of your crap and your trash and your pain, and let the collection of lovely gifts commence????

And call yourself on your B.S. (cuss-mode was activated earlier, and I’m riding it out until I’m done with this post…because, emphasis????) and let the emotions flow out so they’re not bottled up waiting to crash!

If you’re ever prayed “God take this desire away!” because it’s super painful to continue waiting on something that’s not yet here – be encouraged that you’re not alone, and that it WILL be worth the wait – every second of it!

The actual effective prayer is “God, thank You for being with me, for the whole duration of the wait, and for bringing me peace, comfort, joy, and strength while we’re together! Please don’t actually take the desire away ???? just help me enjoy the process while I eagerly anticipate its arrival! AMEN!”